by Krisha Chachra – published in July 2009 issue of Bella Magazine
We hear it from the minute we are old enough to take interest in them: men enjoy the chase, the challenge. If you want to drive a man in your direction, then don’t give in too easily and too soon. It is one of the times in nature when male control actually is productive; we see it play out across species and quite effectively in the human race. However, much like car racing, the pursuit of a significant other can get confusing on the track to real love. At times it is unclear who is actually chasing whom. In the sport, just like in relationships, contenders tend to maneuver themselves in circles. Some pace themselves, judging the landscape before deciding whether to go full throttle. Others lag behind, catching the draft of the leader who pushes onward and does all the work. Still many in the field block their competition, acceptable if they are defending a position but unfair if they are preventing others from lapping them to the finish line when they have no motivation to get there themselves. We’ve all heard of or been in relationships where someone was pacing themselves, lagging behind or blocking the competition. So as a woman in the driver’s seat, we have to use some strategy. Sure, it is in a man’s nature to want to pursue, but how can women add to the chase without crashing into the wall at high speeds? Read the rest of this entry »
Maybe betting on a racehorse is like taking a gamble in a relationship. You hope your winner will come clean out of the gates with a strong start, avoiding contact with any of the other competitors. Maybe he would hang back, hug the rail and wait to make his big move. He’d allow everyone else to expend their energy early and speed by him; his wisdom telling him that a calculated slow and steady tactic sometimes wins the race. If nice guys finish first then he would be a sure winner; displaying confidence and grace, without putting on airs or tossing taunts he’ll inch past his exhausted competitors down the stretch. No matter what the odds, you’d spot him as a clear winner knowing that in the end, if you put your money on him, he’ll make you proud and very happy that you did so. 
Are you kidding me? Another relationship book about how to understand men has found the spotlight in the women’s self-help aisle and this time – this is funny – the author is a comedian. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (Amistad, 2009), the latest tome that once again suggests that men haven’t evolved much from the caveman days fires only one question from me: Ladies, are we really that clueless on the opposite sex that we now take relationship advice from Steve Harvey? Echoing Publishers Weekly who reviewed the book, we all know Steve Harvey as a popular comedian, radio host and red-blooded male. The guy doesn’t have the bona fides typical of most males who are slingshot into stardom for having some celestial insight on how women think and feel. Still, he manages a thorough, witty guide to understanding the modern man. Harvey undertakes the task because “women are clueless about men,” because “men get away with a whole lot of stuff” and because he has “some valuable information to change all of that.” Okay then Mr. Harvey, we’re in the mood for some entertainment – stand up and deliver your best line. 
Power is the capacity to make things happen. In relationships power is about getting our needs met. When we feel a need is not addressed, we struggle with our own power to make that occur. How do we get more attention? How do we get more love? This internal power struggle can be exhausting because partners can’t read our minds and don’t know what we expect and how to compensate for our feeling of un-fulfillment. The power dynamic between couples can also cause strain in the relationship. If one person seems to have control over another’s emotions or seems to be calling the shots as to the direction in which the relationship moves, then the inequality of the relationship may result an unsatisfactory outcome. How can power in relationships be negotiated to maintain a balanced and harmonious experience with your partner? 
If you’ve ever hit a seven or eleven on your coming out roll at the craps table, then you know what it feels like to instantly win a gamble. Unlike dice, relationships don’t have that immediate pay-off. Rolling winning combinations to hit your point isn’t that easy when you’re dealing with the emotions of another. In this month hallmarked by love and romance, it is sometimes important to step back and assess how deep and true your feelings for each other really are. Lately you’ve been thinking that no matter how much you try to bet on yourself and your ability to win for the entire table, you keep crapping out (and yes, this is the term they use in Vegas). Valentine’s day has come and gone and you realize the relationship is going no where. You are not happy with that. Your partner keeps showing you their hand and you notice you don’t fit into their game. Before you invest too many chips on that relationship’s table, maybe it is time you made a move to save you a lot of heartache: walk away. 
It’s a new year and you want a new life – with him. It has been long enough; you’re tired of swinging the single’s circuit and you’re ready to take this relationship to a higher level. You’re sure you’ve found the right man but somehow he hasn’t said those right little words to make you feel comfortable enough that you’re in a long term commitment for life. Is he afraid to lock it up? Or are you just lock up with a man who is afraid you’re not the right one? There could be a million reasons for why you’re not married to this man as of yet. But there is one truth: you want to be and he isn’t asking you. Here are a few tell-tale tips on how to know if your boyfriend is going to marry you. They might not apply to your situation, but not applying them to your consideration will make for a long winter of discontent. 
Ladies, are any of you out there doing the women’s math? You know – the kind that makes your head to somehow instinctively spin out equations once you’ve met the man that has all the ingredients for your future? The linear progression goes something like this: three more dates until he calls me his girlfriend, two more months until I introduce him to my parents, one more year until he proposes and then a half a year more until we get married. Phew, I can lock this up before I turn 34 and still come in under the old maid radar. Ok, now what do I wear on this first date? Sigh, if you’re the type of girl who runs this kind of number crunching in the infant stages of dating, believe it or not, it is no surprise you’re still single. Why do I say this? Because men can sniff out the women’s math – the subliminal equations churning in your head – and it scares the senses out of them. So much so that there is a new book out about this type of girl and how to not be like here. 
When is comes to love sometimes the best advice comes from real estate – location, location, location. Don’t buy it? Countless relationship consultants are predicting that in the next five years, single people will begin “geography dating” or using the internet to define the hotspots for the person they want to meet. This coming from demographer Bernard Salt who also believes this type of interactive targeting of potential partners could well be influencing migration flows. So how much influence does space have on your mating decisions? Let’s make the move and find out. 
This month I started a new chapter in my ongoing quest for knowledge, ideas and opportunity. After completing a graduate degree and working for eight years, I somehow convinced myself that going back to school to pursue a PhD at this point in my life would be a good idea for expanding the diversity of my own human experience. Like so many other women of my generation, I have the ambition – and the desire – to be highly educated, well-rounded, independent and interesting to others. So many accomplished women travel the world, own our own homes, are leaders in our communities and are happy. As single women, we think independently in an interdependent world and, for the most part, are proud and think highly of ourselves. But when we try to share our lives with the opposite sex, the question often arises, “What do men really think of women like us?”