by Krisha Chachra – published in the May 2009 issue of Bella Magazine
Are you kidding me? Another relationship book about how to understand men has found the spotlight in the women’s self-help aisle and this time – this is funny – the author is a comedian. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (Amistad, 2009), the latest tome that once again suggests that men haven’t evolved much from the caveman days fires only one question from me: Ladies, are we really that clueless on the opposite sex that we now take relationship advice from Steve Harvey? Echoing Publishers Weekly who reviewed the book, we all know Steve Harvey as a popular comedian, radio host and red-blooded male. The guy doesn’t have the bona fides typical of most males who are slingshot into stardom for having some celestial insight on how women think and feel. Still, he manages a thorough, witty guide to understanding the modern man. Harvey undertakes the task because “women are clueless about men,” because “men get away with a whole lot of stuff” and because he has “some valuable information to change all of that.” Okay then Mr. Harvey, we’re in the mood for some entertainment – stand up and deliver your best line.
Apparently Steve Harvey has met many impressive women in his lifetime. He comments on how these women are in tip-top shape, can juggle their own business and be good church-going citizens all at the same time. As his publisher states, when it comes to relationships, these same women can’t figure out what makes men tick. Why? Well Harvey says it’s because they’re asking other women for advice when no one but another man can tell them how to find and keep a man. In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Harvey lets women inside the mindset of a man and encourages women to ask five crucial questions:
1) What are your short term goals?
Humm…I have to say that most men I know DO have these. Even if they are only thinking about a little bit later that night. Asking a man about his short term goals sounds a little like you’re interviewing him (and we know from Travis Stork’s book Don’t Be That Girl, that I reviewed a few months ago for Social Talk, that guys never like to equate dating with a job) but Harvey disagrees. He says this is a question you need to ask on the first date. “That’s important. You want to know what a guy’s working on,” he says. “You listen very intently. You use your investigative skills. You be smart. I personally think that if you just ask a few questions about the man’s interest that he’ll reveal to you what he’s thinking about doing with his life in the short term.” Who knows, maybe by dessert it might include doing something with you.
2) What are you long-term goals?
Okay, most men I know would wonder why you were asking – especially if you just finished talking about his short-term goals. This question, however, is an important one, but probably not a first-dater. It is healthy for both of you to think about whether you can see each other being here in your “plan for life”. We all know things can change and time can reveal things about a person that you once did not feel or see. But long-term goals are a good indicator of a good man. Every man needs to have a plan, Harvey says. “They have to be different from the short-term goals,” he says. “If they’re not different, you have a guy that’s not really planning.”
Once you’re armed with this information, Harvey says you can decide whether you want to attach yourself to his plan and take the relationship to the next level.
3) What are your views on relationships?
This is the one that will make him squirm. He’ll try to give you the answer he thinks you want to hear or try to turn it around on you (“Why, what are your views?” or “Mine are the same as yours”). But don’t let him off the hook. As Oprah.com says about Harvey’s book, the author encourages women to find out if his bonds between family, friends and even God are strong. Harvey goes on to say that a man’s relationship with his mother is the most critical. “If it’s nonexistent, that’s a red flag. If that bond has been tainted or broken, please know he has no problem tainting or breaking yours,” he says. “If you can’t love your mother, please know he is incapable of loving you.” If you’re spiritual—and he’s not—Harvey says you probably won’t be able to change him. “Your ‘cookie’(you can figure it out) is not that good to make him go to church. He’s had cookie before,” he says. “He still ain’t with the church.”
4) What do you think about me?
Harvey says women should listen carefully to how a man answers this question. It may reveal a lot about the impression you’re making. “He’ll gladly tell you this. ‘I think that you’re great. I think you would make a great mother. I think you would be a terrific homemaker. I think you’re very independent. I think you’re very worthy,’” Harvey says. “He’s going to tell you all of this stuff.”
5) What do you feel about me?
Once you have the answer to the fourth question, immediately ask the last one on Harvey’s list. In most cases, how a man feels about you will be very different from what he thinks of you. “A man that has been thinking about you seriously has an answer,” Harvey says. This man might say, “I feel like when I’m not with you, I ain’t going to make it. I feel like you’re the one for me. I feel like finally I’ve met somebody who I can share my hopes and dreams with.” Who knows, you may even find these words: “You know what? I’m in love with you.”
If you’ve managed to make it through these five questions and still want this guy around, Harvey suggests a waiting period of at least 90 days (after all, Ford requires it of their employees) before completely signing him on. He also gives clues on how to spot a mama’s boy and when to introduce him to your kids. So if you’re willing to give it a good laugh, definitely pick up a copy and follow Harvey’s advice. If not, I’m sure you won’t have to wait too long for another funny man to write a must-read relationship book for women.
Krisha Chachra is author of the book Homecoming Journals and a communications columnist who focuses on the social and relationships scene. She airs a podcast on the same subject and invites you to listen, comment and read other social talk columns at www.socialtalkers.com.
Tags: Bella Magazine, dating, Krisha Chachra, relationships